One Love
by rfluvr27
Summary: Derek thinks his life is perfect and only going to get better, but life has other plans.


**AN: Hi guys! This is just a short little songfic I did based on a song that I'm currently obsessing over called One Love by a band I love called Marianas Trench. Give them a listen sometime! Anyways, this is not the happiest of fanfics, but it does have a semi-happy ending. Let me know if y'all like it, and if you'd be interested in one that happens after the ending but before the** **epilogue. As always, please review and feel free to send me a PM with any questions, ideas or requests!**

 ** _I wake up tonight, feeling paper thin and I'm paper white_**

 ** _You say, "Just come back to bed"_**

 ** _Voice sounds strange, but I soon forget_**

 ** _And your sad blue eyes, like mine_**

 ** _Full of pity now, but I don't know why_**

 ** _The light dims without regret_**

 ** _'Til now you're nothing more than a silhouette_**

 ** _But just hold quick, you're fading right_**

 ** _In a cold trick of the light_**

 ** _I'm just so sick, I thought you might be here_**

 ** _But you di-disappear_**

It should have been the happiest day of his life.

 _Derek and Delilah had been trying to have kids since they got married two years ago. The doctors had told them that they needed to explore the idea of using a surrogate, and his best friend Penelope had stepped up and volunteered to carry their baby, but the last two tries hadn't taken and they had just tried for a third and final time._

 _Delilah was late and had been nauseous for the past few days, and she had told Derek that morning she thought she was pregnant. She was going to the doctors to confirm and had told Derek not to tell anyone until they knew for sure, but he couldn't wait. He bounded into the office the next morning with uncharacteristic levels of cheer._

 _'_ _What's going on Morgan?' Hotch asked as the team gathered for a briefing. Morgan couldn't sit still no matter how hard he tried._

 _'_ _Delilah is pregnant!' He had practically screamed. The team congratulated him with hugs and slaps on the back._

 _When Delilah called him later while they were flying to their next case he put her on speaker and the team was congratulating them before she could even speak._

 _"_ _Take me off speaker Derek." That one sentence would be burned into his mind for all eternity, the mark of when things started to go wrong._

 _"_ _I know you said not to tell anyone but I couldn't help it. You can't be that mad momma."_

 _"_ _I'm not pregnant Derek." Suddenly her voice was thick with tears and his heart stopped beating as he realized something was seriously wrong._

 _"_ _What is it D?"_

 _"_ _I have cancer." A million thoughts began racing through Derek's mind as he felt his control slipping away._

 _"_ _I'll come straight home and we'll get this figured out. Everything is going to be okay. We'll get a surgery scheduled and chemo started and it will be okay." He could hear her sobbing on the other end of the line and it was making him feel terrible._

 _"_ _No Derek. It's inoperable and terminal."_

 _His world came to a screeching halt. The phone fell out of his hands and clattered to the floor. He leaned against the wall and slowly slid to the floor. He was vaguely aware of his name being called by the members of his team but he couldn't face them. He picked the phone back up and held it to his ear._

 _"_ _How long?" He choked out as the threat of tears began burning the back of his throat._

 _"_ _Six months." Her voice was barely a whisper._

 _"_ _I'm coming home. I love you." He hung up the phone so she wouldn't be able to hear him cry._

 _"_ _Morgan what is it?" He looked up as he felt Hotch's hand squeeze his shoulder comfortingly._

 _"_ _Is everything okay Derek?" Rossi asked, kneeling down so they were face to face. The rest of the team watched silently from their seats._

 _"_ _Delilah's not pregnant. She has terminal cancer." Derek covered his face with his hands as the entire aircraft was deathly silent._

 _"_ _I'll tell the pilot to turn us around, and call the St. Louis PD that we're going to be a few hours later than expected. You need to be at home." Derek simply nodded._

Derek started awake from the nightmare. He hasn't had a good night's sleep since getting the news a week ago.

"Come to bed Derek, please." Delilah called out from the top of the stairs. Ever since finding out that she had cancer, everything about her seemed small and frail to Derek.

"Alright love I'm coming."

He had no idea how long he'd been asleep for, but he could tell it was late. When he got to the bedroom his wife was already lying on her side of the bed. He couldn't help but stare at her while he undressed and wonder if she was still awake. He turned off the bedroom lights and just stared at her silhouette in the moonlight.

She rolled over and looked up at him. He couldn't see it but he knew that her ocean blue eyes were full of pity. Everyone's were these days. Their looks were branded into his mind and he wished they would stop even though he knew they never would.

Derek sighed and climbed into bed. He reached out and wrapped his arms around Delilah and pulled her close to him. He nuzzled her neck as she wrapped herself around him. Derek closed his eyes against the threat of tears. He focused on the rise and fall of her chest against his as she breathed. Eventually Derek managed to fall asleep. In his dreams Delilah began to fade away until there was nothing left, causing Derek to continuously wake up to make sure that she was still there with him in bed. He knew it was only a matter of time until those dreams became a reality.

 ** _Lost and gone so fast_**

 ** _You get me every time_**

 ** _But I live with that_**

 ** _I might do this to myself_**

 ** _Only made it worse but I just can't help_**

 ** _You know I get so attached_**

 ** _Listen everyday 'til the dark is back_**

 ** _Now I pine for phantom pain_**

 ** _It's the only time that I see your face_**

 ** _So just hold quick you're fading right_**

 ** _In a cold trick of the light_**

 ** _I'm just so sick, I thought you might be here_**

 ** _But you di-disappear_**

Derek stood next to the coffin, everything inside of him gone numb. He was just going through the actions at this point. Even though he could feel the love of those around him, he was trapped inside of his memories in an attempt to escape the pain.

 _Derek opened the door to find Penelope standing on the porch getting drenched in the rain._

 _"_ _Who is it Derek?" Delilah asked from the living room couch._

 _"_ _It's Penelope!" Derek ushered her inside and they walked into the living room. He knew that something was off, she wasn't acting like her normal self. He could tell her hands were shaking and her face was paled._

 _"_ _Hi P, to what do we owe the pleasure?" Delilah sat up so that Penelope could join her on the couch and Derek sat in the chair across the room._

 _"_ _What's wrong baby girl?"_

 _"_ _I never meant for this to happen, I was only trying to help. I don't know what to do and well, it's your choice anyways." She rambled._

 _"_ _Hey, sweetness, what is it?" Derek interrupted._

 _"_ _I'm pregnant. The last appointment worked."_

 _Derek's world stopped spinning. He and Delilah had always wanted kids. But now? Delilah just found out a little over a week ago that she only had six months left to live. Could he raise their baby on his own? He didn't think so. She wouldn't even live to see it. Derek looked up at Delilah, but she was staring at Penelope. Sorrow was written across her face, but also he could tell she was excited._

 _"_ _I want you to have our baby." She said, not even looking at Derek._

 _"_ _But you won't even get to see-" Penelope started_

 _"_ _I know. But I've always wanted kids. So has Derek. And he'll be here after I'm gone. Can you do this for me?"_

 _"_ _Of course." Penelope smiled at her, and then looked up at Derek._

 _His brain couldn't process any of this. It was too much, so he simply nodded and smiled. His eyes met Delilah's and he trusted that she knew what she was doing. He knew that she saw a man in him that he wasn't even sure was there, and he only hoped that he could find that man before she was gone._

But she was gone too fast. It didn't matter how much time the doctor could have said she could have lived, it wasn't long enough. They set up a nursery together, and Derek had tried to find happiness in Delilah's joy, but it was impossible when it was just a constant reminder that he would be raising their baby alone. Delilah didn't want to know what the sex of the baby was going to be, but Derek knew that she had wanted a baby girl. When they first started trying they had talked about it, and Delilah had always poked fun at him for wanting a boy first.

Now just the thought of their baby broke Derek down. How was he supposed to be happy when he was burying his wife three months before their baby was even set to be born?

After the funeral Derek tried to go home, but he couldn't bring himself to walk through the front door. What was once his safe haven was now his living hell.

Instead he found himself at his favorite bar, ordering a whiskey on the rocks to try and burn away this pain. Instead, the more he drank the easier the memories flooded back.

 _Derek looked up across the bar and immediately fell into her ocean blue eyes. He didn't believe in love at first sight, but if he did this would have been it. He didn't care about anything except getting to know everything about her._

He shook the memory from his head and ordered another drink.

 _She was standing at the end of the isle looking more beautiful than anything or anyone he had ever seen before. He hadn't known until he met her that he was capable of this kind of love. He would do anything to protect her, and anything to make her happy. She filled voids in him that he hadn't known were there, and she made him want to be the best man that he could be._

Derek slapped a bill on the counter and walked out to his car. No amount of alcohol was going to take away this kind of pain, it only seemed to be making it worse. He ached with a loss that he didn't know how to cope with. He loved his memories because it was the closest that he could be to her, but he hated them for the same reason.

He got in his car and started driving. His autopilot took him to all of her favorite places, as if his subconscious was trying to find her. Her favorite CD played in his car while he drove, and her memories chased him wherever he went.

 _Their first kiss at the movie theatre where her lips tasted better than he ever imagined they could, and where he first realized that she was really the one._

 _The bowling alley where they had their first fight and he drove after her car and stayed on her front lawn all night long, terrified that he had messed everything up and needing to get her back._

 _Her favorite restaurant where he proposed, but not before dropping the ring under the table because his hands were shaking so hard and he was terrified that she'd say no._

It was all too much. Derek drove away from town with tears streaming down his face. He couldn't fathom how someone could be everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. When he eventually stopped driving he found himself at the cemetery parked in front of her fresh grave.

He sat in his car and stared at the fresh scar on the earth left from her passing while her CD played until it was dark. He couldn't work up the strength to go any closer without risking a total breakdown. Being this close was bad enough. He knew that if he touched her gravestone, if he felt the cold unforgiving granite then it would really be real. It would be more than just a bad dream, it would be a harsh reality.

Right now he was finding comfort in the fact that he could close his eyes and pretend that she was still here. He was putting himself through torture maybe, but he wasn't ready to let go and give himself the closure yet. As it started to rain he remembered what his mother used to tell him after his dad passed away.

 _"_ _There are holes in the floor of heaven, and his tears are pouring down. That's how you know he's watching, wishing he could be here now."_

Finally Derek let himself go. He leaned his forehead on the edge of his steering wheel and let the sobs that he had been holding back all week wreck his body. A knock on his window started him from the sleep that he had cried himself into, and he was surprised to find Rossi looking at him with eyes filled with worry.

He rolled down the window, and Rossi opened his mouth as if to ask if he was okay. Derek's eyes dared him to, and Rossi thought better of it and shut his mouth again. He carefully mulled over his words before finally speaking.

"Penelope is worried about you. She has the whole team out searching for you. She went to your place after a bit but you weren't there." Rossi's voice was gentle and careful.

"Does it ever get any easier?" Derek's voice was thick and rough with sorrow and grief.

"No. It never gets any easier." Rossi sighed. "I wish I could tell you that this was just like a book and you'll start a new chapter and move on, but I can't because it's not. It's not going to get any easier for you no matter how long you live, but you will get stronger I can promise you that."

"I don't want to be stronger. I want to have her back." Derek felt like a child, but it was true. All he wanted was a life with her.

"I know Derek, but there's nothing you can do to get her back. All you can do is hold on to the little piece of her that you still have." Derek looked at him, searching his face for an answer. "Your baby."

"How can I raise a baby by myself?" Derek let his head drop in defeat.

"You're not alone Derek. You have all of us. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but everything will work out, I promise." Rossi reached through the window and grabbed Derek's arm and squeezed it reassuringly. "Will you please come home so Penelope will stop worrying about you?"

"Give me one second." Rossi nodded and left Derek to his own devices.

Derek turned on his car so the headlights shown directly on her headstone. He swallowed another lump of tears and got out of the car. He fell to his knees in the soft fresh earth. His nostrils filled with the smell of fresh rain and wet dirt. If he thought hard enough he could almost smell a hint of her perfume. He reached out shaking hands and traced her name while tears spilled out over his cheeks.

"I'm sorry that I'm not the man that you saw in me. It wasn't supposed to go like this. You were supposed to be here to remind me to always be a better man. I only knew you for four years, but they were the best four years of my life. I don't know if there is a God, or if I'll ever forgive him for taking you away from me, but please wait for me up there. I promise that I will be the best father that I can be, and our baby will know you. I wish more than anything that I could trade places with you right now. I miss you. I love you."

Derek couldn't continue as the tears burned his throat and forced him to stop talking. He looked up at the stars and couldn't help but smile as it started to rain out of the clear sky.

 ** _Now I wake up and I forget that you were gone_**

 ** _A phantom limb is all that I am hanging on_**

 ** _So don't stop, no stopping yet_**

 ** _What if the one true love's the only one that you get?_**

 ** _And you've been wishing but you don't know how to stay_**

 ** _And I've been broken but I'm better every day_**

 ** _So don't stop, no stoppin' it yet_**

 ** _What if the one true love's the only one that you get?_**

Derek jolted awake and reached over to wake up Delilah before he remembered that she wasn't there. He shook his head and rubbed his face, taking in a deep breath. It had been three months and Rossi was right, it wasn't getting any easier. He was getting better at holding back the memories that brought him to his knees, but sometimes in the dark he let them overwhelm him until he fell into a fitful sleep. Something had woken him up this morning and he needed to figure out what it was.

"Derek!" Penelope called him from her bedroom down the hall. She had moved in with Derek after Delilah passed away to help him and so he could help her during these last few months of pregnancy.

Derek jumped out of bed and took off down the hall. He opened the door to her room to find her clutching her swollen baby bump and looking at him with scared eyes.

"What's wrong Penelope?" He knelt next to her and tucked a stray curl behind her face in an effort to comfort her.

"It's time!"

 ** _What if you still feel me too, still?_**

 ** _What if there was still a way of taking care of this?_**

 ** _What if I wake up tonight and you are real?_**

 ** _What if we could find a way to try to heal?_**

 ** _What if there's no stoppin' us yet?_**

 ** _What if the one true love's the only one that you get?_**

 ** _What if there was still a reason not to go?_**

 ** _What if there was still a little bit of hope?_**

Derek looked down at the sleeping bundle in his arms. The last three days in the hospital had been hectic and he was glad to be back home. Penelope was in her room resting and Derek wasn't ready to sleep yet, so he continued rocking the baby while she slept.

She was perfect. She looked exactly like her mother. Derek was terrified of what was to come, but Penelope was willing to stay with him as long as he needed. He kissed the forehead of his sleeping daughter before placing her into her crib.

"I love you Delilah Penelope." He whispered as he walked over and turned on the baby monitor.

He quietly began putting away the things from the hospital. When he opened up the bottom drawer of the changing station he found a stack of letters that he hadn't put there. He pulled them out and walked to his bedroom where he could turn on a light. What he saw made his breath catch in his throat. His name was scrawled over the top of the first letter in Delilah's handwriting. He opened it and began reading.

 _Derek,_

 _You really didn't think that I would just leave you to care for our daughter by yourself did you?_

 _I hope you're not mad at me for calling the doctor's office to find out after telling you that I didn't want to know. I couldn't not know and leave you to your own devices._

 _These are all labeled. I want you to read them to her as the time comes. Don't read them before hand!_

 _I know that you hurt. I'm sorry that it all worked out this way, but you gave me the best last four years that I could ask for. If I could come back I would, but life doesn't work like that. Please don't blame God. I need you up here with me when your end comes._

 _Our baby needs a mother, more than what I can leave her in these letters. I know that you'll never love anyone the way that you loved me, but please try and find it in your heart to love someone else. You know Penelope loves you, and she would make a good mother._

 _I miss you. I love you._

 _Delilah_

Derek cried as he read the letter over and over again, trying to memorize every word. He held it close to his chest before folding it and placing it in his wallet. He knew that she wouldn't leave him.

Epilouge

Derek opened his eyes and looked around. He was in a park and the sun was warm on his face. His body felt strong for the first time in years. There was no pain in his joints and his vision was blurry. He could hear the birds chirping and waves in the distance. He turned in a circle, and sitting behind him on a park bench was Delilah.

She smiled at him with a smile that he had been craving for years. It was the same smile that their daughter had, and their granddaughter. He felt his heart filling and healing for the first time since she died.

"Delilah." Her name was no more than a breath on his lips.

She stood up and he took off running for her. He swept her up in his arms and held her tightly, remembering all the times he wished so hard for this moment.

"I love you Derek."

"I missed you so much. I have so much to tell you." She silenced him with a kiss and her lips were just as warm and perfect as he remembered them.

"It's okay. I watched everything. I've been waiting. You took awhile."

"I'm sorry. I would have gotten here sooner if I had known you were actually waiting."

"I would wait an eternity for you."


End file.
